Reflections on Maternal Grief
As Mother’s Day draws near, I find myself caught in deep reflection—not merely about motherhood but also the palpable presence of grief that threads silently through my everyday life. In this post, I explore how I confront and navigate the profound loss of my mother, a journey interwoven with the daily complexities of life’s demands. It's a time when memories surface more vividly, and I grapple anew with her absence, especially during a season that celebrates maternal bonds
Personal Experience
My mother passed away in 2010, a pivotal moment that preceded many of the most significant milestones in my life. She was not there when I chose my path as a therapist, when I met my husband, or when I welcomed my children into the world. Her absence during these defining moments has added a profound layer of pain and longing to the mother-daughter bond we could have shared. Just today, as I ran errands and struggled to focus on completing my notes, I noticed a subtle shift in my mood—an undercurrent of unrest that made even mundane conversations and tasks feel unusually burdensome. It’s moments like these where the impact feels most pronounced, reminding me of the enduring weight of her absence
Realization of Grief
While trying to organize my thoughts, I felt the full weight of my mood. A curious question arose in my mind: What is this feeling tied to? What do I need right now? I ran through my usual checklist—lunch eaten, medicine taken, hydration checked. None of the usual suspects explained the heaviness. As I browsed online, not to buy anything in particular, but a general exercise of better understanding my preferences and desired items, I noticed the Mother’s Day gift ideas section, and it hit me. The grief was there, simultaneously silently and loudly influencing my day, reminding me of the weight of her absence.
Interplay of Intellectual and Emotional Understanding
Understanding grief intellectually is different from feeling it. I often discuss this in my sessions—how intellectualization can act as a shield against raw emotions. Acknowledging grief is not just about knowing it exists but feeling its presence. This blend of knowledge and emotion allows us to navigate our feelings more effectively. Intellectually, I recognize that grief is a lifelong process, morphing as I progress through different stages of life. Emotionally, I felt the urgent need to pause and let my heart feel the loss, allowing tears that welled up as a testament to the love and connection that persists in her absence.
Ongoing Nature of Grief
Grief is not static; it evolves as we do. Now, as a mother of young children, I grieve differently than I will when they are teenagers. My responsibilities—to my family, my work, and myself—require me to manage this grief, not dismiss it. Maintaining a routine of sleep, hydration, and nutrition helps stabilize my mood, even when stress urges me to neglect these needs. Intentionality in self-care is crucial, not just for maintenance but as a form of honoring the grief and the person it commemorates.
Philosophical Reflections on Grief
Why don’t I want my grief to go away? This question often surfaces in my quieter moments. Grief, I’ve come to understand, is unexpressed love. It’s a continuing bond, an emotional proof of my mother’s significance in my life. More profoundly, it feels like carrying her within me—not just in memory, but in spirit. This protective, nurturing aspect of grief connects me to her across the boundaries of time and existence. It’s a form of mothering myself through my loss, a testament to the rebounding strength of love that grief embodies.
Closing Thoughts
To anyone navigating the murky waters of grief, especially those missing a maternal figure, know this: You are not alone. Whether your loss is due to death, addiction, or other circumstances, your grief is valid and deeply personal. There is no right way to grieve, only the way that feels right to you. In these moments, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself the space to feel, to cry, and to remember.
